"Aren't you excited?"

"Oh, I bet you're sooo excited!!"  "How exciting!"  "Aren't you excited?"

I am grateful to have had several conversations today about the fostering journey - it's especially encouraging when those I haven't seen in a while ask me about it, and let me know they've been praying for us!  It's a sweet surprise of encouragement for me.

However, as May approaches, I have been hearing these phrases about excitement a lot lately.  And I genuinely understand how it's exciting to other people that we are "adding" to our family soon - it WILL be fun to meet these little guys! 

But if I'm really honest with you, excitement isn't what I feel right now.  Serenity trained us well - we are fully aware of what we are walking into - hurt, brokenness, trauma.  I am not excited to hear little ones cry for their real mommy at bed time.  I am not excited to hear about why their parents were so inadequate, the state had to intervene.  I am not excited to re-train little taste buds who haven't been fed well.  I am not excited to explain to my daughters why their brothers do (insert strange behavior because of trauma). 

What do I feel, then?  Well, I do feel a lot of peace these days.  There's no turning back now!  We're doing this thing!  And knowing deep down in our souls that we are obeying the Lord in His guidance has brought tremendous peace.   I hope you have felt this kind of peace in your life - the peace that comes when doing something really, really risky in your faith for Jesus - there's nothing like it!  Without sounding too cliche, it's what we're made for, right?  Jesus calls us to do very, very risky things!

Now I AM genuinely excited for some things, but they are things down the road.  I am excited to experience the first moment all four kids are really playing together well.  I am excited to see how quickly these little guys learn about Jesus!  I get excited thinking about an adoption day (whenever that may be), and I look forward to the day when we reach the new normal of a big Hawkins family looking back at God's faithfulness along the way.  Now THOSE are pretty exciting things! 

But for now, I look forward and welcome all the emotions this journey is bringing, one day at a time.  Thank you for asking us how we're feeling, and if you're excited for us, yay!  We will need your excitement in the rough moments ahead, reminding us of why we're doing this thing!  Thank you, thank you for your prayers and support thus far.  :)